I am not sure what to do. When I am feeling relatively well, which is when I am productive, when I feel connected with people, when there's female energy in my life or the potential for it, etc., I am enthusiastic, joyful, humorous, and motivated. Feeling connected and feeling loved is so powerful. As powerful or more powerful than medicines. I have been able to cope fairly well during the pandemic. In fact, in April and May I felt joy and pleasure at times. But the past few weeks have been shaky. Last month I shut off a certain female energy that I have been using to feel well for the past several years. We had an epic argument over the phone unlike any other. She is not a healthy person for me. She is self-centered and doesn't express feelings well except for anger.

The loneliness of working from home every day is starting to wear on me. Socially, there are fewer opportunities for social interaction and fewer opportunities to meet new people. And some weekends I feel so terribly lonely that it feels like there is no hope for the future. When I am feeling well, I think "wow, why would I want to try microdosing with psychedelics." When I feel lonely and trapped -- yes, trapped, as if I am in a prison in my mind yet I can move about the world freely -- I long deeply for the one thing that I think can save me: love and connection. I know it would make me feel well, but I can't snap my fingers and make it happen. I fear for the future, having to continue to have moods like this. Years and years of therapy. Years of medication. Yes, it has all helped and I am grateful for these treatments and to have the means to be able to be selective and go out-of-network. When I read people's experiences microdosing with psychedelics, I wonder what that would be like for me. Will it finally help me absorb this lonely and trapped feeling and help me to feel more free? Will it help me reconnect with the feeling of freedom and joy that I had as a child? I can make it happen, but I worry that my microdosing with my current medication regime could be problematic.

Is it time to break up?

Nardil has given me stability for many years to be able to live "normally." I need to remember this. Because recently I've been wondering whether it is time to break up with my smelly, old, bright orange friend. I experienced my first depression in a long time last month. I was not myself. I was quiet, unhumorous, moody, and nothing gave me any morsel of enjoyment. After 8 days, somehow it disappeared, only to reappear again a week later. I thought I would be in for several months of needing to be patient while transitioning medications and for this I need to find a gray-haired doctor who can confidently advise in this matter. I got prepared to tell work. But then, after my latest refill a few days ago, the depression disappeared again. Every time I've had a significant re-emergence of anxiety or depression it is because of a change in the manufacturer of a medication. However, in this case the manufacturer had been the same as always, so was it a faulty bottle of phenelzine? I don't understand. Right now I am not depressed, but I am miserable nonetheless, trying to transition back into feeling OK while all the issues that plague me in my life seem to have strengthened and pinned me up against the wall. I feel like I've lost my confidence. I'm limping through these past few days trying to find my balance. I'm hating the Nardil and I want to get off of it. This is why I say I need to remember what Nardil did for me in the first place.

8 Years and A Switch

Eight years have passed since I started taking Nardil. What happens in the brain when a person is on a medication for so long? I desperately wish I could reduce my medication because I worry sometimes about potential long-term consequences. I have thoughts about being 60 years old and ugly and alone. Will I still be on Nardil then? I quickly stop such lines of negative thinking! The last time I reduced the dose of Nardil, I felt the depression sneak up on me. I just want to reduce it; I don't want to go off of it completely just yet. I want to believe that the process of maturing as an adult can make me feel more safe, secure, and joyful inside, and, therefore, less dependent on medication. But, deep down inside, I still feel like I have more maturing to do.

A few weeks ago I noticed the refill for Nardil was taking unusually long to process. I called the pharmacy and was told that the brand name Nardil is on back order at the manufacturer. It can take several weeks for the medicine to be ready. I could have called other pharmacies, but I decided to just take the risk and ask for the generic version. I received the phenelzine manufactured by Lupin (formerly Gavis). I was relieved that it was not the Greenstone version, which I had tried several years ago and which felt different. I have been on the Lupin version for three weeks and I don't think I feel any difference mentally. I do feel a difference in my wallet because the generic has a much lower copayment than the brand name.

I remember

I remember a time, perhaps in 2011 or so, when nothing was giving me any pleasure. I remember telling someone this and shedding a tear. Then, maybe 6 months later I noticed that, without any change in medications or any new treatments, I felt better. I was enjoying things more and feeling some pleasure. How did that happen? Here I am, feeling sort of the same unwellness as I had experienced before. Only a few months ago, having felt well and strong, I had tinkered with the dose of Nardil, reducing it very gradually down by 3.25 mg, and then by 7.5 mg just to see what would happen. I noticed more distressing thoughts started to appear in my mind. As I was just about to leave on a vacation, I resumed taking 60 mg. The thoughts eventually went away. But since this little experiment on my part, I have not been able to regain that feeling of wellness and stability that I had been feeling. I feel more off-center. I feel more overwhelmed. I don't feel as chirpy and in the mood to socialize. I feel sad at times. Two days ago I increased the dose of the Nardil to 67.5 mg, but I feel like I'm repeating the same thing only to have the same result: no improvement and more side effects. I'm going to go back down to 60 mg. For the last five weeks I have been feeling this way. Will this just pass in due time? I haven't mentioned the other things happening in my life right now. Good things, yet there is a flip side to said good things. I am deliberately ignoring these things. And, in doing so, I'm only telling half the story.

It's time

It's time to evolve beyond the former tagline ("one person's experience, as it happens, of taking an MAOI") and shorten it to be more holistic. Because we are more then the medicines we take and there is more going on than just the medicine.

Whoops

I went on a short trip and forgot to bring the medicine with me. This is the first time I've done this, and it isn't the right time to skip Nardil since the last 10 days or so my mood has not been so good; I've been struggling a bit and have not been my gregarious, positive, hopeful self.

In May, I tapered off the Lithium and have felt fine. I even lost a few pounds and felt better about my body. I felt no other physical or emotional changes, as if the Lithium wasn't doing anything in the first place. I had a fantastic two-week summer vacation.

I dislike chain stores generally, but for pharmaceutical matters national chain stores can be convenient. I was able to get a few days worth of pills while in another state after a short phone call to the local Walgreens. Here's the rub: they only had the generic available. Last time I switched a long-term med to the generic version, I relapsed and the depression/anxiety/panic mix returned. I had no choice, so for the next three days I took the generic version of the medication. Whether this is psychosomatic, I'm not sure, but the generic version (made by Greenstone, so it's "supposed" to be the same as the Pfizer version -- well, damn, it's the Greenstone Zoloft that failed me many years ago after years of stability) felt different in my body. I had more GI symptoms, let's just say, and felt a slightly unpleasant taste in my saliva/sinus. Upon returning home I switched back to the brand name version.

But that's not the main point here. Today was one of those days where I felt like something just isn't right with my mood. And it is so deceptively subtle that I think a low-grade depression, or dysthymia as some might call it, is actually just as dangerous as a "severe" depression. I caught myself thinking, "well this is just the way it is." But it's not. I'm fully-functioning, but I feel a slight undercurrent of gloom and numbness. Something just doesn't feel right. Well, yes, I'm not very happy with one part of my life and this has caused me utterly incessant stress day in and day out. I just returned from wedding, so it's fresh on my mind what I'm unhappy about in my life. Will I be, or rather feel, alone forever? This is the gremlin that exists. I don't nurture it. But it is there. I want to obliterate it, but I can't. Yes, I know what else it is about and I have recurring dreams that remind me of what lies bubbling under the surface of my conscious mind. So what's the next step?

I want to believe that I could be well without any medication, but perhaps that's the danger. Can I find a balance between being OK with taking medication while doing everything in my power to get well on the psychological side of the equation? I read a posting somewhere that said well something that I need to keep in mind. It goes something like this: "medication is an aid to recovery, but not necessarily a cure. They are something you take to alleviate symptoms of an illness. They help you feel better, but the lasting cure is how well you feed yourself with good food, exercise, rest and support from friends and family." Taking medicine bothers me, and at times I want to believe that I can feel well without them, or just on one. I don't want to believe that I have an "illness" or "condition." But I do, right? So let's see how the next week goes. Should I make a phone call and see about resuming the adjunctive medication that I stopped taking several months ago? Feeling like I did today is not a long-term option. It's bearable, sort of, because I know that even when I feel "well" I get into certain depressive moods that usually wear off after a few days. I know this as a fact.

Interactions

It's a rainy summer night, after an oppressively humid day. One of those days in which I sweat just standing still; I should wear a wristband. I've had a glass or two of refreshingly white wine with a woman I know. Nothing happened (with her, not with the wine/Nardil combination, which has never been an issue). I've returned home a bit sad.

I've been exposed to the work of Carl Jung and his adherents recently. The concept of individuation strikes at the core of my soul. The word itself represents both what I lost as a teenager (and perhaps before that) and what I stand to gain. As part of this process of individuating, one of Jung's adherents writes that we must fully engage in life.

"Quit seeing life as something we want to avoid. By this I mean accept that taking risks, loneliness, conflict, defeat and suffering are not only vital parts of life, they are necessary to transformation, wholeness and the experience of joy."

I really try to fully engage in life; I take risks, yet they haven't yielded any gain it seems. So I still feel incomplete and untested because I haven't experienced a profound part of life experience. Sometimes it baffles me that it is this way; other times it makes complete sense. What's certain is that underneath any confidence there is a great amount of fear; the fear of the unknown and the unfamiliar. On the flip side of my dreams and fantasies is fear. The fear of inadequacy.

I haven't been praying as much recently and I haven't felt as connected to Jesus/God/Holy Spirit. I'll just let it be for now. If the Kingdom of God is within us, then the work of individuation perhaps is an inherently spiritual practice.