Uncanny?

It's uncanny, if that is the right word, that so many people do well on Nardil and for so many years. 10, 15, 30 years. Just read the message boards on Nardil. I wonder what "well" means. Perhaps it's relative. I'm on my fourth year on Nardil, my "senior year," I guess, and I believe that the medication I am taking has kept me steady and stable. This is after two years of mental anguish and multitudes of treatments and medications. While my "chemistry" might be in balance, this does not mean that I feel happiness and joy through my days. Looking back at my journal entries I see how I often felt days of moodiness and gloom despite being "stable." I sought treatments and supplements that might make it go away. To no avail. Yet, somehow, despite the failure of these additional trials, these days I do feel moments of happiness and joy, confidence and liberty. What did I do to cause this? I started going to church. I started praying. I continued going to therapy. I continued looking underneath the moods to find what's behind them, and there's always something behind them. I challenged myself and took an international vacation by myself. I had an amazing time. And I continue praying.

Nardil goes generic

Nardil, quietly and with little fanfare, has gone generic. Gavis Pharmaceuticals is now producing a generic version of phenelzine. I hope that Parke-Davis continues to produce Nardil because I am not changing to the generic version any time soon. The last time I switched from a stable brand name medication to the generic, relapse. It was awful. I suppose I can understand how people felt when they had to switch from the original pre-2003 Nardil to the new formulation.

So here I am, stable but still feeling empty and flat at times. What's the next step? These days I haven't been looking at medication for the solution. I've found something that gives me stability, but can increasing the dose or adding something else fill the hole in my spirit? I could try increasing the Nardil to 75mg. Looking back at my journal entries, however, this did not have much of an impact. I have, however, at times felt well and happy in fact. But what makes me feel well and happy is outside of me and out of my control largely. I wish I could nurture that feeling from within. I can nurture that feeling from within.

Records

It's been so many months since I've posted to this blog that I forgot about it. I had been doing a Google search about Nardil and my own site came up. Looking back at previous postings, this blog serves as an excellent record of my experience with Nardil. Recently my mood has been quite low and I wondered if I should increase my dose of Nardil. Looking back at previous postings, it seems that increasing Nardil beyond 60 mg had been only marginally helpful. But what comes next? If I can't increase my dose, there aren't many other medications that can be combined with Nardil. Should I go in for the rTMS?

Nardil, one year later

Thank you Nardil for keeping me semi-stable for the past year, along with accomplice Lithium. Nardil was the medication I started taking just after my last unhelpful ECT treatment. I remember those first few months of a roller coaster of side effects, especially the euphoria. These days, though, I wish I felt some sense of euphoria. The soft downs and rebounds of depression continue, with the average of my mood being a few points lower than I remember. I remember having more spunk, more excitement, more hope more than several months ago. Something broke and I've come down a few steps to a more apathetic state. When I say "spunk" and "excitement," mind you, it is all relative within my moods. It is so difficult to pursue and be in relationships while in this state. But I'll keep plugging away.

The latest

I've been taking 60mg of Nardil for a while. However, I still feel sadness and depression during the day. My doctors had told me to increase the dose to 75mg, but I resisted for a while. Finally, however, I decided to go up. I've noticed that the depression is gone, which is good, but I feel quite sleepy during the whole day at work, no matter how much caffeine I drink. And my vision is blurry. The fatigue/sleepiness is holding me back a bit, but I am able to still get my work done effectively. It's just that I feel low energy throughout the day. I want to feel vital!

Back Up

So my mood has been "blech" for the past week. Yes, there are things that have happened in my life to contribute to it, but I still feel that a medication adjustment is necessary. I'm so blah at work that it's hard to engage and be interested in work. I have numerous interviews coming up for new projects and I can feel that there is no sparkle. My muscles are tense, I feel irritable. I'm going to increase the Nardil to 67.5mg. I wonder if any side effects will return since my body is now well-adjusted to the medication.

Up, then back down

Several weeks ago I increased the Nardil to 75mg because I still was not feeling relief from the underlying sadness, the dysthymia. I started at the end of August at around 67.5 mg, and in mid-September went all the way up to 75mg. I did notice some more aggravation of the existing side effects: lots of gas and release of gas, lower sex drive and more orgasm difficulty. These are problematic at my age and life situation. I'm single and dating. Can you imagine? These two side effects are embarrassing! However, even more detrimental, I started noticing that I didn't feel many emotions. My friend even mentioned this to me. I don't want to feel like a drone! I took 75mg for 11 days. I didn't notice any improvement in the dysthymia. In fact, I had a horrible week while on 75mg, in part due to the end of the summer, a season that I love so much. So I went down to 60mg. It's been 5 days on 60mg and I feel the side effects ameliorating a bit, my emotions returning, and no worsening of the dysthymia.