I am not sure what to do. When I am feeling relatively well, which is when I am productive, when I feel connected with people, when there's female energy in my life or the potential for it, etc., I am enthusiastic, joyful, humorous, and motivated. Feeling connected and feeling loved is so powerful. As powerful or more powerful than medicines. I have been able to cope fairly well during the pandemic. In fact, in April and May I felt joy and pleasure at times. But the past few weeks have been shaky. Last month I shut off a certain female energy that I have been using to feel well for the past several years. We had an epic argument over the phone unlike any other. She is not a healthy person for me. She is self-centered and doesn't express feelings well except for anger.

The loneliness of working from home every day is starting to wear on me. Socially, there are fewer opportunities for social interaction and fewer opportunities to meet new people. And some weekends I feel so terribly lonely that it feels like there is no hope for the future. When I am feeling well, I think "wow, why would I want to try microdosing with psychedelics." When I feel lonely and trapped -- yes, trapped, as if I am in a prison in my mind yet I can move about the world freely -- I long deeply for the one thing that I think can save me: love and connection. I know it would make me feel well, but I can't snap my fingers and make it happen. I fear for the future, having to continue to have moods like this. Years and years of therapy. Years of medication. Yes, it has all helped and I am grateful for these treatments and to have the means to be able to be selective and go out-of-network. When I read people's experiences microdosing with psychedelics, I wonder what that would be like for me. Will it finally help me absorb this lonely and trapped feeling and help me to feel more free? Will it help me reconnect with the feeling of freedom and joy that I had as a child? I can make it happen, but I worry that my microdosing with my current medication regime could be problematic.