Whoops

I went on a short trip and forgot to bring the medicine with me. This is the first time I've done this, and it isn't the right time to skip Nardil since the last 10 days or so my mood has not been so good; I've been struggling a bit and have not been my gregarious, positive, hopeful self.

In May, I tapered off the Lithium and have felt fine. I even lost a few pounds and felt better about my body. I felt no other physical or emotional changes, as if the Lithium wasn't doing anything in the first place. I had a fantastic two-week summer vacation.

I dislike chain stores generally, but for pharmaceutical matters national chain stores can be convenient. I was able to get a few days worth of pills while in another state after a short phone call to the local Walgreens. Here's the rub: they only had the generic available. Last time I switched a long-term med to the generic version, I relapsed and the depression/anxiety/panic mix returned. I had no choice, so for the next three days I took the generic version of the medication. Whether this is psychosomatic, I'm not sure, but the generic version (made by Greenstone, so it's "supposed" to be the same as the Pfizer version -- well, damn, it's the Greenstone Zoloft that failed me many years ago after years of stability) felt different in my body. I had more GI symptoms, let's just say, and felt a slightly unpleasant taste in my saliva/sinus. Upon returning home I switched back to the brand name version.

But that's not the main point here. Today was one of those days where I felt like something just isn't right with my mood. And it is so deceptively subtle that I think a low-grade depression, or dysthymia as some might call it, is actually just as dangerous as a "severe" depression. I caught myself thinking, "well this is just the way it is." But it's not. I'm fully-functioning, but I feel a slight undercurrent of gloom and numbness. Something just doesn't feel right. Well, yes, I'm not very happy with one part of my life and this has caused me utterly incessant stress day in and day out. I just returned from wedding, so it's fresh on my mind what I'm unhappy about in my life. Will I be, or rather feel, alone forever? This is the gremlin that exists. I don't nurture it. But it is there. I want to obliterate it, but I can't. Yes, I know what else it is about and I have recurring dreams that remind me of what lies bubbling under the surface of my conscious mind. So what's the next step?

I want to believe that I could be well without any medication, but perhaps that's the danger. Can I find a balance between being OK with taking medication while doing everything in my power to get well on the psychological side of the equation? I read a posting somewhere that said well something that I need to keep in mind. It goes something like this: "medication is an aid to recovery, but not necessarily a cure. They are something you take to alleviate symptoms of an illness. They help you feel better, but the lasting cure is how well you feed yourself with good food, exercise, rest and support from friends and family." Taking medicine bothers me, and at times I want to believe that I can feel well without them, or just on one. I don't want to believe that I have an "illness" or "condition." But I do, right? So let's see how the next week goes. Should I make a phone call and see about resuming the adjunctive medication that I stopped taking several months ago? Feeling like I did today is not a long-term option. It's bearable, sort of, because I know that even when I feel "well" I get into certain depressive moods that usually wear off after a few days. I know this as a fact.